"We are young, heartache to heartache we stand."

 

This is my story about lost friendship and dramatic high school bullshit.

Really REALLY thinking about it.. Its better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.
  Do you know that feeling? That feeling where you once and for all lose a friend..
I'm talking a best friend. Jumbled emotions of hate, and confusion, sometimes even remorse. It urks me to the bone.. You'd think when you have a legit best friend.. that they will be there forever; Because that's of course what you intended.
Everybody knows that in every sort of relationship; there is conflict. Some of many different sorts. I find, the most difficult type of conflict between friends is constant arguments, battles for the top, lying, deceiving, cheating, ( of course the unmentionable [physical abuse] But that has nothing to do with what I am talking about.)
It is annoying.. Plain and simple.. To sit there and constantly be lied to. To sit there and have everything you work for SO hard to be just topped of easily with the word: 'please'
For those who know what I'm talking about, you know what its like; for those who don't let me explain it to you:
         -To get this out of the way, YES I did lose a friendship recently but lately the only way I seem to release my thoughts is by telling my one friend, as well as my mother everything.
Which honestly doesn't make ME feel all better. Hopefully, this will come to a relief to have so much out there.

[What is actually and ironically worse, is that her locker is right beside mine this year in school.
For one, I don't know her 'game' and I don't think that I ever will.. She never said to me "That's it, I've had enough" in any which way shape or form. ]

Continuing on,
A few months back, my sister and I wrote up a long letter to give to her the next day explaining our frustrations, we waited and waited and waited. ..No reply, Nothing. Then school comes along.. Day before first day back at school, I was determined to let it go; y'know? not give one flying fuck because it basically never mattered obviously in her eyes.
...As for the details of why we fell apart.. That is private. I for one would happily explain, but respectfully I am going to keep those matters for our eyes and ears only on behalf of her.
Come to school, scared, nauseous, and filled to the brim with anxiety. I didn't want to see her face, I didn't want to hear her voice if it wasn't her explaining herself. Next thing you know our lockers are right beside each other and we're basically small talking awkwardly until each day passes.. Pretending nothing ever happened..
      -Hell right? Don't wanna do this, don't wanna hear that, then there you go; it happens. Stupidity got the best of us and we told each other that considering the circumstances, we would just not be complete bitches to each other.
Weeks went on until we are here now. Just the other day I passed her a note in class and we kinda discussed further what happened. To sum it up she just told me that "being kind, as well turning a cold shoulder BOTH felt wrong.. "
      -To be honest..It felt wrong seeing her face. Talking to her feels wrong.. It feels wrong logging onto facebook and seeing just a few months ago we were having a blast and that makes me want to cry.
To reply to her I simply said that: "It was kinda ballsy to just not reply period."
She replied to that she "felt it wasn't worth continuing on.."
       -HOLD ON. Wait,... What? wha..? SHE felt it wasn't worth continuing on..? Why in the world would WE write a letter directed to her saying that she better clean up the way she treated us or we're good as gone; If WE didn't feel something wasn't working.-
She ends up thinking simply it wasn't worth continuing on. When in reality, it was.. It was a great relationship to have.. Its always nice to have really close friends, when things go south, you do your absolute best to fix them in order to keep that relationship thriving.. At least, that's what I was taught.
As to that I replied that; I didn't care whether or not SHE thought it "wasn't worth continuing on" She didn't have the DECENCY nor RESPECT to give me any reply to that letter in any way.. Not one word.
   Three simple words that she mashed up in a lunch hour i got in reply.
"I guess not."
      -I guess not... Not an explanation. Not even a complete sentence... I guess not..
"I KNOW." Would've made me feel at the least a tad bit respected.
In case your curious, We've been friends for around three or so years. It bites my britches just questioning myself.. Was this the FIRST time she thought it "Wasn't worth continuing"? If it was, it worries me to think that being her FIRST time, she handled it with the utmost immaturity.
      -It crosses my mind..
Also in case your wondering, the letter we wrote to give to her, had in detail explanations WHY we were fed up, WHAT she did, HOW she could improve, WHEN she did such things, and as well
WHO was involved. That letter would've gotten an 'A+' in school.
You tell me this though reader.. Because of this letter, does that make you wonder how much she has actually done? How many times its happened before? What happened? Why it affected us so negatively? Were we over reacting?
Theres alot of answers to those simple questions; For example: How many times has this happened? It has happened numerous times on numerous occasions. Conflict has come into play and when we openly say that it bugs us.. she proceeds doing it anyways and or does a different thing that deeply aggravates us just as much.
Another question to think about, How many times has it gone this far..? It has never.
     -What really REALLY bugs me most, is that she doesn't understand how many times I have sat there, and thought about how it wasn't worth continuing on.. Many many reasons why..
Another example;  I would come to school happy as could be, finally building up my self esteem. First thing she does... Insults me, teases me, does something then says jokingly " I'm just trying to piss you off."
- You've obviously succeeded. Whats your prize? Me not talking to you for the rest of the day hoping you'll learn your lesson.
    Decency and respect.. Two things you give to someone, or show towards someone, that you have had some sort of relation for or feel SOME sort of emotion whether directly or indirectly.
       -It makes me think... Did she even care from the beginning? Obviously, yes.. but once she got used to us, she became herself; or even, someone she wasn't. Either way she conformed in a
negative manner. Me and my sister had the decency and respect to write that letter to let her know our feelings. To warn her this was her LAST CHANCE to prove if she even wanted us or not.
What blows, is the fact that she basically didn't do anything.. nothing.. Just.. nothing. Meaning she had no obvious intention of keeping the relationship (probably because she couldn't take that she did
so much wrong and that we were calling them all out at once) At least she couldve replied, said ONE word; "goodbye", "I'm done".. She didn't do any of that directly.
FINALLY:
The fact that she can do it all again.

 Before we were friends, she had a best friend back in her home town, when they lost connection/ broke apart she didn't act one bit like it was a big deal to lose her,
blamed stuff on her, and basically just didn't care. (I cannot speak for what happened behind closed doors, but she never asked for support. )
 Obviously, we should've taken that as a fair warning.. But yet; We didn't catch it quick enough, and ended up falling into a trap. A self perpetuating hole of drama and bullshit... something that we really thought was real.
The whole reason this ended, was simply because you changed..
       -For those of you who wonder.. She was my best friend 100% At this point I have lost about 99.8% of respect from that.
I have also lost something that's important to me.. Not her, but my sense of security. I feel awkward and lost when I'm left by myself. A bad thing. A very very bad thing.


P.s - This post has no names of the manner, placing nobody in the spotlight. This post has no disrespect intended, only information which I (personally) think everyone has the right to know the vague details of the current situation. Futhermore, I honestly DO NOT care if she reads this or not.

Why hey there people of the blogging readings. Let me start this off fresh, this is a new year. I am a freshmen now and my additude has altered dramatically for the better.. The few posts I have are realitively stupid. I for one am not going to take them down and literally "start fresh" I just am going to start blogging about more interesting and eye catching subjects. Why? because I feel the need to.. I actually want to. Mainly the reason is so I have somewhere to vent into blank open air, instead of to someone I know and feel as if I am constantly whining about myself and my problems. Granted I am going to talk about personal subjects and I would honestly apprecaite if you would keep a slightly open mind to see things from where I stand, and how I see it. If not me than people in these positions, or in relitavley simular context. Thank you.

Heeyy theres...

Its been awhile  and im completley blank on what i should write.. I told myself i was going to commit to this blog and write on it everyday on grade 8. I lied. I realize now that the years of my life need to be more rambuctious need to have more fun because im not going to care about when i was 14 when im 20. Its so odd. You try to live in the moment when you know the moment will be forgotten unless something epic takes place..  you try to be cool, calm and collective but i know that every minute im not with someone i feel more alone. Is it worth asking my mom to drive somewhere to meet this boy? When iv'e only known him my whole life and never talked to face to face? will it be dull? Or will It be epic and have an impact on my life. :( Great. Another thing to worry about.. BOYS. Why must they be so difficult. why is it SO hard for me to give up something i never had? Im just sitting on the couch, whilst everybody is asleep and im just thinking these things.